Men, Women and The Sex-Love Game
It's common knowledge that men and women are different. And even with this commonly known fact, each still tries to bring the other to their way of being. Big mistake. The masculine and feminine energies are complimentary not conjunct. Too much feminine and all goes soft. Too much masculine and all goes to war. Men are men - very simple creatures, straight forward and direct. And women are, well ... complicated. Isn't this the myth? Hahaha! The true frustration is that in the battle of the sexes each really wants connection, albeit for very different reasons. And not understanding these differences (doubly complicated by the person who's uncertain of who they are energetically) leads to devastating heartbreak and can wear on self-esteem so doggedly that shame becomes the underlying sexual identity. Tsk tsk tsk... and sex is supposed to be fun! Love is supposed to be an anchor in the stormy waters of life. So how can men "get lucky" and how can women "get love?"
I've crystalized 6 important things to keep in mind as you battle it out for the yummy, hot, intimacy that is our primal, God-designed desire - our God-given urge to merge and love.
Here they are:
1. Nobody likes a pushover. Women AND men, practice holding, or rather containing your energy without telling EVERYTHING in the first month of knowing the earth angel who's captivated your every waking thought. Don't be so easy. Believe me, if you're feelin' it, they'll know it. It's a vibrational thing, but the GREAT part is that they'll have to guess about it! Keep 'em wondering. Keep those neurochemicals flowing and flooding!
2. Flirt! Dust off the flirt in you to keep it light and fun. No unresolved sad, sad stories or "I need you to help me with(s)" for at least 90 days! That doesn't mean not to offer sweet and thoughtful gifts, though. Ladies, don't go too far, maybe surprise him with a homemade lunch or a dinner here and there. Just be cautious not to over give under the guise of "feminine nurturing." Make your surroundings sensual. That includes you, by wearing sensual fabrics over smooth glowing skin, adorned by a crown of shiny healthy hair, attractive hands and well-kept nails. It also includes your conversation. Practice innuendo, have fun and enjoy the effect of your femininity for yourself and watch as he enjoys it, too. Men love confidence in a woman. It gives them something to compete for and win. So don't shortchange him the pleasure of enjoying his masculine prowess. Look your best, show a little sumpin' sumpin', but not, too much. Men are visual creatures, love taking in the feminine form in all of her glory, and, they usually only enjoy slutty looking girls for one thing. And that's okay, if you like the slutty look and that thing, too. It's great! Just keep your mystery for a bit so you'll be able to play slut and police officer or slut and pimp or any other slut variation you desire for a time beyond the initail attraction. You gotta be in his head, the one above his shoulders, for longer than a night for him to want you beyond the moment.
Men - women love bravado and fortitude, a.k.a. swagger. A man who's got that special something, a sparkle in his eye that reflects his voracious appetite to conquer the world or even just himself. Confidence with a slight edge will do for most women. Women subconsciously register a man whose just dangerous enough to make things happen. A courageous, clever risk taker establishes himself right in the heart of a woman's primal collective female memory. You know, the woman who was living a few millennia ago when a man had to actually war to protect his own and think ingeniously to provide? Well, that same woman from way back then is hard-wired into every modern woman's pysche. Can you handle the heat? Can you get the job done? Show her how you'd handle her by taking care of business with every opportunity you get. Show her you know how to engage and move in the world. Be friendly, open, dashing and funny. A woman really does relax with a man she can laugh with and opens for the one she comes to know can care for her. A little sexy humor goes a long way. Just no jokes about her. I'm sure you can figure out the why on that one.
Both Ladies and Gents, of course, as you two get to know one another, you'll share about your life's journey. But seriously, in the beginning just give tidbits here and there. This way you'll have some soul deepening things to reveal for intimate talk over the long haul or - over breakfast. Which brings me to the next point.
3. No Nookie for 90 Days unless you're BOTH just looking for fun (Ladies you'll thank me for this one - I like 70% organic chocolate and hand-written cards.) You see, sweet and strong, delicious men, the ones you want, want to bed you as quickly as possible, even if they're pretending that they don't. Only problem is, that as soon as they do, they're usually off to take in the scent of another flower. You see, most men don't bond during sex in the way that most women do. Women, it's first your mystery and then your unique way of being that bonds men to you. Give him a chance to know you - without telling him everything - and give him a chance to pursue you. Men who know how to pursue you for 90 days know how to stick with things worthwhile - like working - and actively building their dreams. Not just dreaming, but building the dream. If he sticks around to wait for you while still trying to win you, that same ambition will do what it takes to provide for you. Ambition in a man is good, good, good thing. Men I wouldn't suggest you take the laid back approach by waiting for her to pursue you if you want her. Most women will think you're not into them and plus it'll be no fun for you - unless you're shut down to your masculinity (it does happen) as it's in your male nature to be competitive hunters. The women who do pursue, well, you probably know what that ends up like in the long run. You're running and they're chasing you, most likely screaming, maybe with a knife in hand or they're plotting how they'll take you down for one thing or another. You know?
4. Be Real. There is no plane, there is no fantasy island, unless the two of you create it knowingly and with intentions for a wild, fun, exciting excursion. Honesty really is the best policy. Don't play games unless you'll both win the prize. Don't start something and lie about what you really want so that the other player is completely unaware of your intentions. Karma is no joke and WILL get you! It's like the Swat Team of the Universe. Save yourself the headache. The trick here is that true honesty isn't in your words to the world, it lives in the words that you say and don't say to yourself. Get real, get honest and then proceed.
5. Demonstrate to Communicate. Let your actions be your words when you're trying to truly win the affection of the one who's renting all that space in your mind.
Ladies, do not tell him what you like or want more than 2 or 3 times, tops. If he's not bringing it, (opening the door, flowers, calling, massaging your feet or aching back) then chances are he never will. This is your clue. Do not mis-read it or make excuses for him. And God forbid, don't make up some fantasy about who he is. Do you want a man or a son? And for heaven's sake, please let him be a man and take care of you! That is what you want, isn't it? Let him order for you, tend to you, protect you, adore you, worship you. And absolutely no complaining about him, to him. If he's not fittin' the bill, then gently move away from the "he's-the-one-I-want" plan with no or as few words possible and keep it casual - in a gracious, lady-like way. Absolutely no need to harangue him for all the ways he's not met your standards. That's a conversation for your girls or even better, for your therapist. Being stuck on something someone else is or isn't doing for you is, after all, a sign of some deeper self-esteem issues at work, right?
Another thing sisters, don't sleep with him on the first date and expect a healthy, thriving relationship. I mean it does happen, but it usually ends up being a hot mess, and not in the good way. DRA-MA. Some girls are "living the dream" for real! And it's all their dream. They can't figure or fathom anyone who doesn't fit the dramatic movie playing in their heads, so they're constantly disappointed and truly unable to see the man before them for who and what he is. And then we have the silent Sallys who see it all so clearly but don't utter a peep, even when they're lovin' what they seeing! Ladies, let him KNOW that you appreciate him! Be verbal. soft and sweet. Tell him that you like it when he... fill-in-the-blank. I don't know if it's scarred-over wounds or exactly what it is with some sisters. They just cannot give a compliment or show the vulnerability of allowing a man to know even that much! They just sit quietly never allowing the man who's showing up to know how brilliant or kind or funny he is! They leave men gasping in the icy cold wake of their frozen-over hearts. Girls, let the great melt begin... please! Only an imbalanced, abused man is gonna stick around for the ice queen hoping that he one day melts through her icy frigidity so he can maybe stand in the light of her golden sun. That one won't be out in the world doing anything great and noble, cause clearly he's lost... most likely someplace in the pain and abuse of the past.
Fellas, come on strong if you really want her, but in increments. Call everyday or every other day. But keep it brief. No long, long conversations, but do call or drop off small tokens to let her know you were thinking about her; listen for her smile when you're talking in those brief phone convos. Keep something for your dates (this info doesn't apply to long distance romance, that's a whole other topic) And only ask her out once a week or every 10 days or so in the first month. Show her you want to provide for her and help her. I can hear a few of you now, "Here's the money thing again." Yes, it is the money thing again, and then some. In short, for you to feel like a man you have to have the experience of feeling like you're caring for her. So yes, that's the money thing and it's also lightening up her load and being thoughtful of her needs. That doesn't mean you are to become her savior or her father, but it does mean that if you see there's something you can do to assist her, casually offer it. She may refuse you, just observe it and tuck it away for later. Bring it up without bringing up her refusal to accept your help at a time when you can gaze into her eyes and tell her how important it is for you to be able to support the woman who's in your life, how much you like making her life easier. DO NOT mention her in the equation or make a reference to what you'd like to do for her. Just tell her about you, and then listen for her intrigue or her guardedness. If she's intrigued, she's received that you're a good man without feeling any pressure. If she's guarded, you'll know you're dealing with a woman who's got some intimacy issues. And brothers, I don't suggest offering money in the first 90 days. That way you'll get to see if she's really into you and not just your wallet. Hate to say it, but there are some gold-diggers out there, and they're not all just after the big celebs! There's a collective consciousness around this that I'll explore in a future blog ... I promise.
for what you believe inDeep down you know what I'm saying is true, right? So just go with it. Take a stand for what you believe in, firmly and playfully if you can manage that, and don't back down. She may fight you a bit, "I can open my own door" "Oh, you shouldn't have..." "Yeah, right, I bet you say that to all the ladies." Just laugh and let her know what you stand for, tell her how you feel without overstating your burning desire for her, let your actions and a few choice words do that. Oh, she'll feel it if you do it right and if you've made any headway through her interior gates and guards (yes, women do have gates and guards, and if you know what you're doing she'll eventually bring you into her inner sanctum. But there you must be man enough and wise enough to know what to do to keep that part of her open. Otherwise she'll close you out so fast it'll make your head spin.) With firm clear actions, she'll come to respect and trust your strength and she'll know you can handle her with all of her complex beauty. And guys, God forbid, don't say you're gonna do something and then not follow through. This is a cardinal sin for a woman who knows her worth. Do you want a doormat or a Queen who can't resist lavishing her royal affections on you? No controlling, complaining or unsolicited advising. Just listen supportively and ask her if she wants to know what you think, or say something like "Wow, Really? I would've never seen it that way. I think..." Get it? Give her the room to seek out your help. Of course, if she's truly clueless and falling apart, then by all means, take charge! By seeing your caring concern and ability, she'll open up to you more deeply. That is what you want, right?
6. Do The Work to know and own yourself. Neediness, desperation and low self- esteem cannot be covered up by money, a hot body or fab clothes and pretty face for long. They will come forward and it ain't pretty when they do. Most relationships, whether casual or deep, fail because of unexamined, unresolved pain and shame and the resultant emotional immaturity that goes hand in hand with the inability to own and love thyself fully. Knowing yourself and your inadequacies allows you to be true to thine own heart and to the hearts of others. Casanova bedded hundreds of women leaving most completely and thoroughly satisfied (if not exhausted) and happy to have known him. That's because he knew how to be real about who he was, what he could, couldn't and wouldn't do. He knew what he wanted and wholeheartedly treated the women he so passionately adored as beautiful and unique precious rarities.
Women who love well, have learned who they are and know their womanly worth. They're steady and strong in the most feminine way and will not accept less than what they desire. They don't whine and complain. Their wisdom speaks and their actions show men exactly who they are and how to treat them. They allow men to adore them because they're certain and clear about what they're comfortable with. The Queen of Sheba knew her worth, knew what she wanted and knew how to have King Solomon writing epic beautiful poetry about her (and he had 700 wives and concubines whom he overlooked to do so) while lavishing her with many grand and glorious gifts, including protecting her territory and its people, among other priceless kingly and deep poetic gestures. Ahem! (Have you read Song of Solomon? Oh my, it's enough to make me blush just thinking about being, um, explored in that way!)
So I hope this helps. And if by chance after reading this you realize you need work in this area to playfully let love in - you know, to work on the unexamined, unresolved pain, shame thing - let's chat about it. I'd love to help you get what you want. Just hit the "Contact" link in the nav bar and leave me your number with your current challenge in the comment box, and I'll be in touch. Until then...
Happy Hunting & Happy Playing,